My three-step program will help you quit smoking, you pathetic loser.

So you're a smoker, is that it? You wake up each morning and the first thing you do is light a cigarette. Maybe you're a casual smoker and you only light up when you're out with friends, or in the break room at work, or sitting on your couch with your cat. The cat is kneading your crotch and you're starting to get an erection. For a moment you wonder how the cat would react if you shoved your junk in its face. Would it run away? Lick it with its sandpaper tongue? Maybe it would bite you and you'd need stitches. Try explaining that to the nurse without feeling ashamed.

And isn't that shame what's brought you to me, dear smoker? Your addiction has cost you your marriage, the love of your children, and now it's caused you to require penis surgery. You need inspiration and I am here to save you.

I have never been a smoker because I'm not weak. When you look at me you will think, 'oh wow, that's a strong-willed gentleman' and you will wonder what I look like naked. I'll spare you the mental imagery: it's not as pretty as it seems. Despite having never smoked before, I can tell certainly tell you how to quit. I have plenty of experience in quitting things. I've quit eating chocolate sandwiches, vegetable pizza, and those things which aren't quite potato chips and aren't quite crackers. Not Crispers, too damn expensive. I mean the $1 knockoff brand you get at Wal-Mart. In addition to food I've also quit plenty of jobs and I quit wearing hats.

If you want to quit smoking then you don't want it enough. How many times will you fail before you realize you won't succeed? This is your first mistake. You can't sit there and tell yourself you'll quit smoking. You just do it. You wake up one day and you aren't a smoker anymore. The three-step program is here to help you.

Step One: I just gave you step one, were you paying attention? Quit smoking. You may think that should be step three but it's not. Stop being a pussy and just quit right now.

Step Two: Step two is about preventing yourself from giving up. If your withdrawals are causing you immense amounts of discomfort, consider something to reduce their effect. Heroin is a good choice because it's not addictive at all.

Step Three: Buy a carton of cigarettes and give them to a homeless person or teenager who is too young to buy them for himself (a homeless teenager is the ideal choice). Visualize yourself giving your heart to that hobo and watch as he inhales deeply. The smoke he breathes is important to you because that is the smoke of your heart.

That's all there is to it. Steps two and three aren't even necessary for most people, but they are there for those of you who are especially weak.