After the success of my three-step program to help smokers quit I decided to write a four-step program to help fat people stop being so fat.

While Jesstival.com is not a self-help site it has come to my attention that a lot of the people in this world need help. Being awesome is a gift but it is also a responsibility and I would not be doing my civic duty to the planet if I did not share my wealth of knowledge with the peasants. You're welcome.

I tried to find some pictures on the internet of me when I was fat but all I could find when I Google Image Searched "fat jess" was pictures of Jessica Simpson. Did she really get that fat or is it some big photoshop prank? Anyway, I had to draw you a before and after portrait using PaintShop Pro. I'm still trying to get the hang of my tablet so it may not be exactly to scale.

As you can see in the before picture I was hairy, fat and lactating. They don't make breast pads for lactating men so I just had to change my shirt every hour and a half. In the after picture you can see my ripped abs and powerful arms. I often take shirtless photos like this, but it's not creepy because I don't send them to other people.

So how did I do it? What is my secret?

If you're fat you have no-doubt seen those websites which offer you guaranteed methods to lose weight, you only have to pay $24.99 for a shitty PDF which is constructed as well as a teenager building a Geocities website. It's like the marquee tag was the greatest thing since sliced bread. I don't think a good design was EVER found on a Geocities website.

Those websites are all scams. They give you fake pictures and lots of buzzwords. I don't give you buzzwords, I give you the truth. Are you ready? The truth is you're fat. You need to be fixed. You may have convinced yourself that you're happy with your appearance but let's cut the bullshit okay? Nobody is happy looking like the left side of the above picture. We all want to look like the right side. Do you know why I put it on the right? Because that's the right choice. I'm so fucking clever.

Since posting the smoking article yesterday I have saved thousands of people from their addictions. None of them have emailed me to thank me yet but that's just because they are too happy living their lives as normal people. Don't you want to be normal? Here we go.

Step One: Stop eating. Some doctors might say that if you starve yourself your body will start to eat muscle mass before it eats fat mass but we all know that fat people don't have any muscle. Muscle is the opposite of fat, so the fatter you are the more weight you'll lose by not eating. Doctors only make money if you get sick, can you really trust them?

Step Two: Don't exercise. Exercise makes you hungry. If you're not eating that means your calorie intake is zero, which means you don't need to burn calories (the primary purpose of exercise).

Step Three: Quit your job. Working requires exercise (see step two) and is just a distraction from your true purpose: to lose weight. Coworkers will be eating which provides a constant temptation for you. Your best bet is to stay at home and avoid all social contact.

Step Four: Sleep more than twelve hours per day. Continuing on the path of no social contact you should make sure you sleep more than twelve hours per day. Not eating food will cause you to have less energy, you need to sleep more to make up for it.

You're cured! No bullshit diet milkshakes needed.