Have you ever spent the whole day pondering the proper methods for attacking someone with a perfectly executed box strike? Ponder no longer.

I post a lot of different things here on Jesstival but I always make sure that I am giving you, the reader, useful information that you can take away from the computer and into real life. Real life applications of information you find on the internet is the best form of internet the internet has to offer. Internet.

That being said, today I bring you boxes. Now before you Google perverts, who got here because of "box strike" and "female genetalia" and "I want to see some hot babes with hot boxes!", realize that you've been tricked, don't go clicking that back button on the hunt for The World's Best Boxes. Seriously, even you degenerates have something to learn.

Ever since Man conquered woman in the Civil War of Hupeople (ever since known as Humans) we have been developing better and more efficient weapons to use not only on our wives and female children but also on any man who, for some unknown reason, forgets his duty (beating women) and starts attacking other men. We went from bone and stone hammers to ninja swords to chainsaw machine guns, but one weapon has never evolved: the box.

The box is an efficient weapon and part of that effectiveness comes in people's tendency to underestimate a medium to large-sized box. Inside that box could be anything from a live tiger to a pile of bombs to nuclear waste. No person can ever resist the urge to open a sealed box, no matter who or where it came from. If the terrorists wanted to win the war they would simply FedEx some cardboard boxes full of Smallpox to random houses in the US. Americans would exclaim "Ooh, free shit!" open the box and then get Smallpox and Genital Herpes (in America you can get Herpes from your refrigerator). Once infected, the unknowing American would call his buddy Gus and insist he comes over "right the fuck now" to rub the SmallpoxHerpes box in his friend's face and crotch (thereby giving him Smallpox, Genital Herpes, and Cold Sores).

This article could be filled with hundreds of ways to use boxes as a weapon but I only want to focus on one way: straight up aggravated assault. You take a box, you find someone worthy of being boxed, and you throw that box right at their head. But it is not as simple as it sounds, there are a lot of different things you need to consider when performing this strike. You need proper box selection, pinpoint accuracy, and a plan to pull out should things not go your way.

Box selection is an important step and should really be the first choice you make. There is a debate about whether box selection or target selection comes first and I side with the box people. While the target is important, whichever box you choose is going to be suitable for any target, so long as the box has met box selection criteria. Boxes should be selected by their size, dimensions, color, distinguishing characteristics, weight, and the attacker's physical strength and agility.

First is a simple test: this is a picture of many boxes. You are to determine, in less than ten seconds, which box is the most appropriate for a box strike. Consider the attacker is an average man of 180 cm (5'9") and 85 kg (187 lbs).

Selecting the perfect box is an important step.

In the previous picture you were asked to determine which box would be suitable for an average man. The correct answer is: none. Keep reading and you will understand why. Selecting the box can be done by following some simple steps which will be outlined here with handy numbers.

1. Ensure the size is appropriate for your statistics. Short people are going to have difficulty throwing a large box, much in the same way they have trouble having sex with beautiful women. If you're short you need to make sure you select a box that is smaller. I realize it is unfortunate and you may suffer from box envy but you wouldn't want to botch your box strike, that would be much more damaging to your fragile ego. Shorty.
2. Box should be empty. While it may make sense to fill the box with heavy things like flowerpots and baby corpses it is not a very good idea. The weight gets distributed unevenly and wind resistance plays a much larger role. The additional damage you could inflict as a result of the heavier box could be accomplished more effectively with a followup strike immediately after the first.
3. Box should have at least one open flap, or another type of handle. The most important aspect of a box strike is good grip. You cannot get a solid grip on a box that has been sealed. Sealed boxes are for delivering packages and cats, leave a flap open. If the box has handles then a sealed box could be suitable and would improve aerodynamics.

   
   This box is not going to accomplish your goals.
   

4. Make sure you bring extras. One box is rarely enough. The best way to ensure you have lots of extras is to bring a pickup truck.
   
   

   
   Now we're getting somewhere!
   

5. Don't overdo it. Stick to what works. Nothing is worse than some idiot trying to innovate. The reason this method of attack has worked for thousands of years is because people don't screw with the plan. Boxes which should be avoided: metal, wood, treasure, bread, and anything else that is not made out of cardboard.
   

It never worked in the past, don't be an innovator.

So now that you've chosen the perfect box the next step is attacking your target. Target selection is simple, in order of preference: anyone who has challenged your honour, a woman, a child, a dog, or another man.

Executing your plan (and your target) requires precision timing, poise, and grace. While poise and grace are not exactly the type of characteristics a man would brag about the fact is that men have just as much grace as any woman, if not more. Rather than bore you with words I will show you a photographic history of a recent box encounter of my own. Contained alongside each photograph is the step (five in total) and how to perform it. I have spent hours fine-tuning this lesson and it is important to follow instructions carefully.

That's all there is to it! Assaulting someone with a box is THAT easy.