Today, November 4th, 2010, my mother is fifty years old.

I thought about sending the boring old "happy birthday" email and then going back to searching for goat porn but then I remembered that this is my mother's 50th birthday and that should mean something special. So congratulations, mother. You're 50. Here's a list of the things you can expect to happen or change now that you're half a century old. It's even numbered so your old, frail mind can figure everything out! Ha ha ha, old.

1. You can't go cliff diving anymore. You know what happens when you get old? Your bones get weak. What happens when you dive off a 200 metre cliff at the age of 50? Well, for some people they're just fine but for most of you old windbags it means your internal organs become as liquified as the water.

2.People can start blaming things on you because you're old and don't know any better. This is more of a benefit for your children than it is for you. When you go into a crowded restaurant and shout racial obscenities when you see all the black people we can just laugh and say "Don't mind her, she's just old and was born in another time." Then all the black guys laugh and we smoke weed together because they want to see how an old woman will react to whatever word black people use for weed.

3. Your poop is sometimes new colors and consistencies. This is from all the prunes, prune juice, and prune extract you'll have to start consuming to avoid constipation. How all those prunes can result in a color which can only be described as "Radioactive Yellow" is beyond me, but there you have it.

4. You are secretly plotting the murder of at least two neighborhood dogs. Those fucking animals are keeping you up when you try to sleep at 5pm on a weekend. How dare they bark at that guy trying to steal some kid's bike? Fuck that stupid kid! You need to sleep off that heavy dinner of apple sauce.

4. You start to forget things like simple numbers. It's okay, everyone starts to forget birthdays, old pet names, and the phone numbers of their children. Luckily your kids know this and are prepared for it. How do you know if your children love you? They buy you a programmable telephone with their numbers already programmed. How do you know if they hate you? They buy you a programmable telephone with an instruction manual in Portugese and say they'd love to stay but they're late for a meeting.

5. City busses provide a constant threat of wetting your pants. No toilets on the bus and you need to pee but if you get off the bus to pee you need to pay another $2.50 to get on the bus plus whatever those assholes at the shoe store will force you to buy just to use their toilet. Gas station next door is free but their toilet seat probably has hookers on it and you don't want crabs.

6. Sex toys must always be lubricated. I am not going to go into detail, but figure it out for yourself.

7. Inanimate Objects. You've probably been talking to your chairs, plants, television since long before 50, but at this age something amazing happens. You start to realize the objects in your house have emotions, that they feel. You start to feel guilty that your couch hasn't had as much direct sunlight as your armchair and you rearrange the entire living room every six days to ensure equal sunshine for all of the furniture in your home. While doing this you forget to feed your cat and he dies.

8. You realize how much of an asshole you were when you made fun of your parents and older siblings for turning 50. Joke's on you, I already know I'm an asshole.

9. Getting drunk at a party no longer means waking up in someone else's house in a bed with three men. Now it means passing out, shitting your pants, and the next morning being told by your daughter that your granddaughter is now blacklisted from every classmate's birthday party... forever.